All that loving

I guess it's okay that I still like you now.

The more I think it's a problem, the more I'm unsure how should I feel about it.

So, I freed myself from this security zone and opened my heart to accept it.

And one day, I will forget. But it takes time. I just need some time.

We wouldn't see each other anyway. So, it would be faster for me to recover.

It's totally embarrassing that you finally figure it out. Cuz I didn't know that you do really read my blog. Or maybe you know it since the beginning.

You know, love is really something we can't understand.

No one would reject love even it's an unfortunate one, like mine.

During the accident, I thought I would die.

Cuz many blood were coming out from the wound. I closed my eyes and all I could feel was my breath getting slower and little.

All I said in my heart was, 'God, finally, You answered my prayer. You knew I was painful enough to live in this world. My life is on You now. If You want me to die, I'll die. If You let me live, I'll live.'

Then, it was my first time to had a feeling that I'm at the verge of death.

My body was cold, very cold. All I could feel is liquid flowing all over my head and I smelled blood.

I wasn't able to talk because it was very cold and my body wasn't listen to my mind and was reluctant to talk.

I was initially happy to let go but I couldn't. My family would be very sad especially my grandma. She couldn't bear my dead news.

And then, it was you who came to my mind.

How I'm gonna tell you how I feel?

I was thinking, 'Is it the end? That's all? That's all? I haven't tell anything.'

I thought I can text you, but what should I say? 'Hey, I'm dying and I love you.' It was ridiculous and you would think it's a joke.

Then I wondered, after I die, will my family let my friends know that I'm dead? Will you know about it or you will know it years later from a friend?

If you know that I died, how would you feel? Will you be sad or be relieved that the idiot that loved and troubled you had gone from the world?

I don't know. Cuz they never happen. I'm survived and alive.