Friends

I initially planned to write something about the movie I watched yesterday, Prince of Persia.

But my friend's recent post seems to give me a better idea.

I want to talk about friends.

Staring blankly at this subject, I realized I had a bunch of friends but none of them are the Bff other people might be lucky to have.

And these so-called friends sometimes are so far away that I don't even have the mood to chat with them whenever they are there, Facebook or MSN because I know it's gonna be a waste of time, since I found no topic for our chatting. Everything seems so bland between us, all we can do are just exchanging academic info and perhaps put some smileys that you couldn't even feel the friendliness in it.

And Facebook even made me jealous, when pictures of friends going for trip popping out and you are unable and uninvited to be part of the happiness. They smiled to you as if telling you they are happy even without you. I couldn't think but to think why am I such a failure in friendship, in what people call, socializing. With a bit flatter or whatsoever, people can just easily have a clique but always, I won't be the one.

Is it because I seek for something further than that, the one who can share my sadness as well, the one who should be understanding me and tolerating with my unjust temper, emo and even my ridiculous jokes?

On top of that, I found a better reason from my friend's post.

Is it true that there are people who do not appreciate others? Can be it true that all efforts at being a friend will eventually go to waste? Could there be such a being? If yes, have I met one now?

(Sorry for not getting your permission to take your words)

What he wrote reminded me I was once being one with very heavy individualism. Maybe there are problems I couldn't explain here but that shouldn't be reasons. To be honest with myself and everyone else, I admitted tough I was a nice person when I first met people but as my friends hope to work out the friendship we had built, I found myself often irrationally and deliberately alienated from people. This is why at the end, I found no friend in my life and for one whole year in matriculation college, I couldn't help but to surrender I have no any close friend there.

Some might thought I was just being bookworm, my results was far more important than anything else including friends. Nope but to say I was quite friendly to everyone and at any time, be ready to spare my help. But I just wasn't good at comforting people who seek for my advice whenever they were troubled by stress. I was just not the one who could easily give a pat on people shoulders and tell them to stand up. Worst, I found myself was the one who couldn't share other people sadness. And I press people too hard by forcing them to think like me that we can beat anything when God is there for us and some just couldn't simply accept that.

End up, I am just another cold-blooded person, running away from any possible responsibilities to consult people and at the same time, rejecting their kindness by obvious avoiding.

So, who should be blamed when I couldn't find any friend out there? Well, clearly everything is my own fault.

I know I can't just simply fix everything even by apologizing. I know my bizarre estranging had hurt some of you.

Sincerely, all I could is do just by saying sorry here.

Hopefully, after you read this, your negative thinking about me could be demolished.

And yes, what my friend posted on Facebook is correct, 'Technically, most people aren't people.'

Hopefully, soon I could give a better impression to people, a more serious one which could prevent me from hurting people. And I just want to tell I couldn't bear to lose any friend and I'm not unmindful of your concern.

Fortunately, before 19, I managed to start learning and considering things important in my life and to cherish people around me that think me as their friend.

It's time for me to be sensitive, solicitous and mature.